it's nothing personal.
i just had to go.
i know what you're thinking... that I'm being dramatic. high-maintenance. selfish. a princess.
i know you have felt that way our whole lives.
the mystery sister that people don't meet for years.
the weird one. the complicated one. the one that never quite fit in.
what you don't know is how much energy it took just to get to your door.
you don't know that i've been wanting a drink all day.
you don't know that i went to a recovery meeting this morning, and called my sponsor, and journaled, and took a yoga class, and did everything i could, but still feel so off.
i came to your house completely out of gas. socially spent from the festivities the day and night prior. everything sounded too loud and my head was spinning. i couldn't talk straight or exchange niceties.
when i am too tired to trust my decisions around people, around conversations, around alcohol, i have a responsibility to remove myself before i cause even more damage.
to go back home, literally and figuratively. to regroup, recenter, reground.
so, i understand that to the untrained eye, i might look like the entitled biotch who comes and goes as she pleases, who always has an excuse, who needs everything to be just right, who is too sensitive to be in public without having a nervous breakdown or dipping out, who is all around just...
i don't know if you remember,
but i used to leave events for other reasons than today's.
like being black-out drunk or wanting to see a guy or getting high,
or because i was just flat-out sketchy.
i know i have missed too much quality time.
i know that i can't get it back.
but if i don't monitor myself, there will be no future time either.
instead of denouncing myself and feeling guilty, i am reworking the narrative.
because from where i sit,
i am a woman trying her best.
fighting every day to try to be better, despite her difficult parts.
despite her troubling thoughts, her depression, her neurodivergence, her high sensitivity, her anxiety, her bipolar disorder, her alcoholism.
by making these hard decisions moment-to-moment,
i give myself a fighting chance to live a somewhat functional life.
even on challenging days like today, i have an opportunity to make a choice that my future self will thank me for.
i promise i'm not making excuses or complaining or trying to be all "woe is me."
i don't want pity or consolation or even your validation or approval.
i am simply offering you a glimpse, a snapshot of how it feels to live in this body and brain.
but as luck would have it, i am not my body and brain.
i am my spirit. and my spirit is strong.
my spirit is what keeps me going.
my spirit doesn't give up.
my spirit lets me write these words.
my spirit is your spirit.
thank you for understanding that you don't understand, i know how much you all love and support me, despite all of my specifications and idiosynchrosies and limitations.
i love you too.
SO SO SO SO SO much.
with my entire complicated, sensitive, and confusing heart.
see you on xmas ♡